For all you Pokémon fans out there. If there were real-life Pokémon, then this is what they’d look like.
There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, “You have three wishes. But there is a catch—this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for, every lawyer in the world will get double of it!”
The engineer replied, “That’s no problem, I can live with that.” He then said, “For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferrari.”
“Okay”, said the genie and a Ferrari appeared in front of the engineer. “But remember, every lawyer in the world now has two Ferraris,” the genie told the engineer.
The engineer remained unperturbed and said, “For my second wish, I wish for a million bucks.” So a million bucks appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, “Remember, every lawyer in the world now has two million bucks.”
The engineer was non-committal and then said, “I always wished I could donate a kidney!”
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.
The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to MIT.”
The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a politician.
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The politician replied, “$1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars.”
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists.
The professor had the following logic:
“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?”
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”
The student did not like the sound of this at all and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)
On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(But no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you’ve tried this..)
On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over.”
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, “Then why did you eat him?”